Fear and Self Sabotage – Part One
Fear and Self Sabotage – Part One
In my last post I discussed the importance of self-worth and our desire to feel connected and belong. It’s understandable that our greatest fear therefore is rejection and to be alone.
What is fear and how does it present itself?
Fear is an emotion we produce to avoid future pain. We are born with two fears; falling and loud noises, everything else we learn. Our two main emotional fears are not feeling good enough and lack of love/connection.
We see this fear in our negative self-talk, otherwise known as ‘limiting beliefs’. Here are a few of my own personal favourites!
- I’m not good/rich/thin/funny enough
- I’m a failure
- people will laugh at/judge me
- what will they think of me?
- I’m not worth it
- I don’t deserve it
- I can’t do it
- I’m stupid
Negative self-talk is based on our subconscious thoughts, which in turn lead to our beliefs and ultimately result in our actions. Therefore, this fear is presented in everything that we do and every part of our lives.
It’s why we focus on the one negative out of ten compliments! It’s what drives that deep inner belief that there is something so bad about us, that if others found out they would reject us. It’s what makes us scared that we’ll be ‘found out’.
What’s the impact of fear?
As a result of fear, we hold ourselves back from pursuing our goals because we worry about failure, what others will think of us and from a deep belief that we don’t deserve to achieve them.
Because we are afraid, we feel a need to control everything. We blame others for our own pain and discomfort. We seek perfection by saying ‘I’d be happy if I was thin/rich/funny’ etc.
Ultimately, we place our self-worth in the hands of others because we build our lives on what we feel we should be doing based on other people’s perceptions, rather than what we want to do because we fear rejection.
I remember listening to an interview with Sam Smith where he said that he’d been trying to break into the music world for years by being what he thought (and was told!) everyone wanted him to be. It was only when he said, ‘sod it, I’m just going to be me!’ that he became the award winning, global sensation that he is today.
For me, until about six months ago, I’d had low self-worth for as long as I can remember. Looking back now, I can see where this came from but it’s taken a while and some deep soul searching. The loss of many close family members over the years along with rejection from others lead me to have deep abandonment issues.
It’s where my desire to please everyone came from, it’s why I’ve had bad relationships in the past and why I’ve not pursued my true dreams and ambitions. I simply didn’t think I deserved happiness and was petrified that there was something wrong with me and this is why people kept leaving me. I would sabotage relationships before people got too close in case they ‘found me out’.
So what’s self-sabotaging?
This fear (which is the cause of our low self-worth) will lead us to subconsciously sabotage situations and opportunities which come our way due to a belief deep down that we don’t deserve or are not worthy of them.
I was a swine for it and I can guarantee that no matter what you think, we all do it! Let me give you an example!
Remember me saying in an earlier post that I’d been self-sabotaging but couldn’t figure out why? I realised it was because my plan with Wilde Performance was coming to an end! During the plan I’ve met so many amazing people and experienced some truly awesome things which have literally transformed my life. But ultimately the reason I started was because I was ill with an undiagnosed stomach infection.
Without being consciously aware, I’d started doing all the things I knew would make me feel like crap again because on a subconscious level I thought I needed to be ill to keep these awesome people in my life! Can you see how daft these beliefs can be when we figure them out?!
All that had happened was my subconscious had looked back and gone ‘all these good things have happened because you were ill, so let’s be ill again!’ When in reality, and in my conscious mind, I know that all these awesome people will still be in my life whether I’m ill or healthy! It’s not the illness which they like about me, but the person I am.
We can self-sabotage in any number of ways – poor diet, drinking too much, poor personal presentation, injury, you name it, we’ve found a way! From my own experience, it’s most common when things start to go well. It’s almost like when I’m happy and I didn’t think it was possible to be this happy, my mind thinks ‘we’d better take things down a notch’ in case it all goes pear shaped!
What should you take away from this?
Be mindful of your thoughts, beliefs and actions. Write them down if it helps. Looking back, can you see examples of self sabotage?
In Part Two I’m going to explain more on the role of the subconscious mind and why fear is actually really important and not our worst enemy! And don’t worry, I will be covering how we deal with fear in order to become our true selves very soon!
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